I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
