omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
