I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
