Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
