Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
