you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
50% drunk capacity currently
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
