Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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