Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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