Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
