how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
