I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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