He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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