I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
