i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
