what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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