They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
