You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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