Will you blow on my dice?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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