We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
