I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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