I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
