I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
