$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
