you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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