The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
