remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
