Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize