Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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