my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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