she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
