just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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