Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
