apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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