Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
