yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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