I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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