you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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