fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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