That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
