I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
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One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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