after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
