like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
