I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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