she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
