So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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