So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dick very happy bro
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