that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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