I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
