Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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