I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
