the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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