dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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