I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
