i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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