are you so shy because you have an std?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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