i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
