Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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